Not right or wrong. Only choices and consequences
I remind myself of this a lot, though I don’t always follow it. I work myself into a frenzy over making certain decisions, because I want to make the “right” decision and avoid the “wrong” decision. But then I have to remind myself, there is no right or wrong, only choices and consequences. Make a choice and live through the consequences of that choice. Not a right or wrong decision, just a decision.
The worse is when you extend that state of indecision for a while. You half-ass, you go through the motions, you don’t commit. The door is half open.
I recently made the decision to give my car to some family. I thought I’d leave it with them for a while and take it back in case I change my mind. But thankfully, my partner suggested I properly gift the car to them. Then there is no turning back. They said if I leave it in their care, instead of it being theirs, then it is actually a burden and not a gift. And having done that, am glad I did. There is no looking back, you can only look ahead. You might miss or regret the choice not taken, but that is better than always maintaining optionality.
I suspect this is what Oliver Burkeman means when he wrote: “Don’t worry about burning bridges: irreversible decisions tend to be more satisfying, because now there’s only one direction to travel – forward into whatever choice you made.” I associate the phrase burning bridges with people, but it can apply to choices, projects, failed businesses and so on.
The limbo is utter agony. It is far worse and far more toxic and far more prolonged than any agony one might feel in the choice not made.
It is what Derek Sivers means when he suggests you go “Hell yeah, or no.”
An important detail that I didn’t get at first is that “Hell, yeah” is not how you feel while making the decision (great if you do), but how you should operator after you have made one.
Either you can do it like it is a burden or it is all part of the dance.
I recently got roped into helping out a friend with backdrops for a play she is putting up. I really did not want to be involved but she asked, and I couldn’t say no. Now I could have done it without a sense of “Hell, yeah”, just finish the damn job and get on with it. But for a change I chose to have fun with it. And I enjoyed it. I hell, yeah’d after making the decision and it was a hell of a lot more fun.
Pema Chodron says makes a decision and never look back, she always knows what way forward was.
I just said no to an opportunity which I have been sub-consciously wanting, to own a water plant rather than depend on a co-packer for my water business. And it came to me, without me even looking. That’s a hard one to say no to. Did I cheat myself out of growth? But when I actually played out the details of what it means to pursue that opportunity, I realized I didn’t really want it. I don’t feel great about it right this moment. But at least I made a decision, even though I did agonize over it.
Buridan’s Ass.